The Pink Gingerbread House in the Room
by lovalley
Summary: Accepting the things we cannot change.


Disclaimer: Nothing about CSI is mine except the DVD's I burned.

AN: This is a response to Cincoflex's challenge. It's my first fic and I didn't get it beta'd. I had some free time and just started typing.

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You apologized enough. Let it go." she breathed softly into his neck before giving him a light peck.

"I shouldn't have lost my temper with her like that. She doesn't know. I hope she never knows." He seemed to sink further into the mattress looking like a child himself.

She stretched along behind him, moving her arm around to rub his belly. "'Tis the season for meltdowns."

He shrugged a shoulder in response.

"You really think we shouldn't tell her? Ever?"

"I don't really see the point," He muttered.

"Maybe to enforce curfew? 'If you are going to be late, give us a call. You don't want us thinking you got kidnapped by a deranged serial killer like your mom did..."

"You think this is funny?!?" He was facing her now. His look incredulous, even in the dim light.

She reached up to caress his cheek tenderly. "No! Of course not."  
With a sigh she added, "I think she's three and frankly, she was being a brat. I do know she's not going to be traumatized because you didn't buy her a gingerbread house."

The 'she' in question was their daughter, Emma. The daughter conceived during Sara's self imposed sabbatical. When she finally agreed to see him again, Grissom did not hesitate to go to her. Sometime during that four day weekend of apologies and promises, with the smell of ocean in the air, they made a baby.

It was a good sign he said weeks later when they were back in Vegas. A new life for their new life - together.

Only, the past had a way of creeping into the most innocuous of situations. This time it was a gingerbread house requested by a Christmas crazed toddler in the middle of a crowded supermarket. Her crying and shrieking fading to the background when an equally frazzled father said no as images of miniature crime scene models filled his mind. Suddenly, his chest tightened at the memories. The anger and frustration building anew as the thoughts of the near miss and what ifs came flooding back.

He hadn't yelled, he rarely ever raised his voice. He could only imagine the look on his face as he leaned down into his daughter's line of vision and snarled 'no!'

She stopped crying at that point. Her teary eyes wide with fear.

"Gil!" Sara scolded as she reached down to pick up the now stunned child.

He snapped out of his memories then. Regret painting his face instantly.

"I'm sorry honey, I'm so sorry." He tried pulling her into his arms but she only tucked her head further into her mom's neck and sniffled.

She fell asleep in her car seat on the way home. He made sure to take her up to bed and give her extra kisses with his apologies. She gave him a sleepy hug goodnight and a butterfly kiss "Love you daddy," before snuggling her teddy for the night. Now a few hours later, it was obvious that he wasn't appeased she had forgiven him.

"It was just a gingerbread house. I made it into this...this moment. I'm never going to get it back."

"There will be more moments. She will wake up and you will continue to shower her with love and it will be a distant memory."

"It's not that simple. She might not remember the details but she will remember the feeling. The day her dad scared her."

"You have from now until forever to make it up to her." His rolling eyes prompted her further.

"You have to give yourself a break here. You don't think I lose my cool with her? How when she leaves my side for an instant I think of every horrible case involving children we ever worked on? So when I do find her I want to shake her and hug her at the same time? Every parent feels it. We may a little more because of our experiences, but this is normal."

"It's not normal."

"It is normal for any parent who loves their child and wants to protect them." He shook his head slightly.

"What I mean is, it's not normal for me to feel this way so long after it happened. One minute I was standing there with the both of you and the next I was back in the desert looking for you."

She placed her head over his heart and rubbed his arm. "I'm here. We're here."

"I never know what's going to trigger it. What if it happens again? I don't ever want her to look at me like that!"

"She was scared but it snapped her out of her meltdown. Hopefully, what she will remember is to think twice about screaming in the middle of a store again."

"Sara..."

"I'm not sure what to say here, Gil. I know you are upset with yourself but this self flagellation isn't going to help the situation."

His eyes were closed when she looked up at him so she leaned in close to his ear.

"What happened to us. It will always be there. Just like my mother killing my father. Like your mom being deaf. This is who we are. If you keep trying to pretend it didn't happen, it's going to keep coming back. Accept it."

"I want her to have the life we didn't."

"She will. She has us. She's already ahead of the game. And I don't remember any of the parenting books saying that it was our job to give her everything she asks for."

He turned his face to kiss her tenderly. "It's not that I want to give her everything, I do - with limits. It's that I couldn't give her this one thing because of my demons."

"I want to protect her forever too. We may not be able to give her the perfect family but we are trying to give her the best we can."

One more kiss led to many and soon they were together as one.

The clang of bowls woke Sara early the next morning as the light, sweet smell of gingerbread was wafting through the room.

She could here her daughter giggling as she made her way down to the kitchen.

"Shhh honey. Mommy's still sleeping."

"Is it time to wake her up yet Daddy?"

"Just give her five more minutes."

"Too late!" Sara reached over to grab her daughter up but she wiggled free to continue kneeling on the chair next to the dining room table.

"Mommy! Daddy is making me a gingerbread house from scratches!"

"Scratch, honey."

"He made cookies and he's going to glue it together to make a house like we saw at the store! I get to eat the broken pieces!"

Seeing the child nearly thrumming with excitement, she asked "How many has she had?"

"Not too many. I made six squares for your basic southwest style house - one's extra, just in case." He saw the smirk as she held her tongue about the piece count.

"I could use an extra pair of hands to hold while I glue."

Within minutes the basic structure of a house was up. Four walls and a flat roof waiting to dry and be decorated.

"Where's the door Daddy?"

"We're going to paint it on with the icing."

"Oh." Her hazel eyes cast down and her tiny mouth barely cast a frown.

"What's wrong, Em?" Sara prompted.

"I thought I could put my dollies in it. They only have the one house and they get bored with it."

Sara held her breath as she watched Grissom's reaction.

"We can't put dollies in this house, baby." He answered somberly.

She moved closer to her daughter, ready to steer her out of the room. She wasn't so much worried about Grissom's reaction to their daughter's prodding, but rather wanted a private word with the girl about not getting everything you ask for.

"'Cause they will get icing in their hair?" She asked.

"Yes, and all over their pretty dresses." He answered, trying to keep a small smile hidden.

"And the ants will try to carry them away for food?"

"Well, they would certainly try." His smile no longer contained.

"But they are too heavy for the ants to carry?"

"Yes, they are too heavy for the ants to carry."

"Will they try and take the gingerbread house?"

"We will keep it high up on the table and cover it at night."

Sensing the moment ending, Sara interjected, "I have an idea. While this sets, let's go to the store to get some more decorations for your house."

Emma reached up her arms for her father to lift her. She wrapped her arms around his neck for a loose hug. A second later she asked, "Daddy, will you make me another house that the ants won't like for my dollies?"

He looked over at Sara, meeting her eyes briefly before answering, "Of course sweetie, when we finish this one you can draw me a picture of what you want it to look like."

"Big!" She said arms stretched out, "Just in case they have babies. And with a real door."

End


End file.
